"Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story".--Margiad Evans

Hey. So I guess you know what this post will be about. It's not better. I feel awful, I am weak and there are days where I have difficulties just getting out of bed in the morning, not to mention doing my everyday chores. I hate being like this. You know, ever since I got back from my two-week holiday (I was in my cabin, yes, in the woods...) I have been feeling crappier and crappier by the day. At first I thought I'm just suffering from accommodation problems - my body always had SOME difficulties adjusting back to stinky city air and a totally different environment - but it's been almost a month and trust me - even jet lag lasts shorter than THIS. So, even though my doctor's appointment isn't until the 25th, I called in and asked if I could possibly come earlier and still keep the other date, just in case. There was no problem - apparently my doctor's not THAT popular, har har. So, I went. I described my condition, I had a regular check-up done (you know, blood, pressure, urine, yuck...) and as it turns out I really DO need that other appointment. My blood results are ba-ad. My doctor says, and I have to believe doctors, the medication I've been prescribed and have been taking for the last 2 months or so PROBABLY isn't the right one. The thing in my spine IS smaller, yaaay, but... (there's always a 'but', right?) there may be others, according to my results. My calcium is way out of limits, which usually means there's something "extra" in the bones. There are quite a lot of "mays", "probablys" and "usuallys" here, so nothing is definite, which is good, but the results themselves are, to quote my doctor, "worrying". And the funniest (and by "funniest" I mean "saddest") thing is that this thing in my spine, whatever it is, has not just "appeared" a couple of months ago, out of some unexplained twist of hormones. No, sir. It has been there my entire life, only no one paid any attention to it because it didn't show. So, basically, I have been a host to the thing for the last, oh, I don't know, 25 years, and just didn't know it was there, like a tiny hitch-hiker or something. As I was told, nothing is definite, it may be just a regular ol' calcium surfeit which could mean absolutely nothing and I DO have a history of anemia, which last year was the cause of a very weird pregnancy freak-out (my, my, was THAT fun...) so, you know, ALL could be well and cool... Yeah.

So, how do I feel, with that, you may ask. Well, I'll tell ya. Lousy. See, if you remember the Ramon Sampedro post which is currently in blogger heaven due to my clumsiness, you get he picture. I don't like being sick. I hate being dependent on things and people I cannot control, and these two are a permanent feature in times of illness - dependency on luck or fate, whatever you call it, and dependency on people - doctors, nurses, pharmacists, masseurs, and last but not least, care takers, aka loved ones. I am not the one to admit I am weak, be it physically or psychologically. I am not weak. I don't show weakness. It took me years to learn how to let my feelings show, but I never quite learned to cope with them.
Now, I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel disappointed with my own weakness and the inability of my body and mind to deal with it. But mostly, I feel scared. You know why? There is a quote by one of the wisest people who had ever walked the face of the earth, and whose words inspire me deeply, namely by Prince Gautama Siddharta, also known as Buddha. He said, "Every human being is the author of his own health and disease."And here is a good one for you. Am I being punished? If everyone IS the author of their own health and disease, have I brought this one upon myself? They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason for THIS is ... well, me? I don't know. Maybe it is. If someone gave me a 100% guarantee it will go away as soon as I change myself and do penance for my past sins - I'd do it in a heartbeat.

So, as my title quote says - I am on a voyage, and I am about to embark upon the adventure of a lifetime. I am Ulysses, and this shall be my Odyssey. (it never hurt anybody to be a teeny tiny bit pretentious, right?;) Fasten your seat belts, we're ready for take-off. What do you mean, "this is a ship, there ARE no seat belts"?? Nevermind. I'll just hold on tight. :)