I think I thought I saw you try

Hey. Have you ever had the feeling this isn't your life you are living? That it's not going along with what you'd hoped for when you saw yourself in this very moment back when you were 15? I just realized it some time ago and it's been in my head ever since. Do you remember what you'd thought being 25 is like when you were 15? I sure do. I thought by the time I'm 25 I would be married, for starters. I thought I would have a husband, and a great job - at that particular time I was in my freshman year in high school and was totally into journalism, so the JOB would here mean I'd work for some paper or maybe in the radio; I was into that stuff as well - and no kids, cause I never saw myself having kids. And now, 10 years later, as I am slowly starting to approach the magical age of 30, I thought, OK, let's see, how many of these things I've obtained, or at least have made attempts to obtain.. Well? Zero, nada, zip, squat, nill. I don't have a husband, duh, not even a steady relationship which would eventually lead to marriage. I don't have a great job, not only in journalism, but at all. I still have no kids, just like I'd thought, but now I really want one, so I guess that's not a "score!". Nothing. Not even one out of three - nothing. I don't feel fulfilled, even though I am doing something now that I really love, which is to say I deal with English - my all time passion. So what? I don't want to be a teacher, I never liked to teach, especially kids, yuck, and it looks as though teaching is the only thing I will be left with when it is all said and done. I promised myself I would enjoy life more, because it is so fragile and short and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow never knowing what Portugal is like... I haven't done any of that, either. I promised myself last New Year's Eve I would take more risks and stop being such a control freak and learn to let go and not hold grudges and be more forgiving and learn to forget instead of remembering every single thing anybody ever said and did to me.... Yeah. Sure. Because life is JUST that easy. And now I am ill, and I may not get to do all these things I'd promised myself I'd do, like going to Paris in the spring and visiting Jim Morrison's grave. And you know what? Life IS short, and you MAY go any minute, so I think challenging the laws of fate doesn't sound so extravagant any more. If I live that long, I don't want to look back in another 10 years, when I'm approaching 40 (GOD!!!!) and think like I think now - whoa, man, this ain't my life!! I want to make myself happy and proud and actually look back with a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. Have you seen the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant? It starts with this quote from John Bon Jovi (sic!) "No man is an island". And then Hugh rambles on about how he IS an island, Ibiza to be precise, and how these times are perfect in terms of being an island. Well, in the end of the movie, surrounded by friends and loved ones, Hugh changes his mind and realizes that the Jon Bon Jovi statement is in fact true. We are not islands. And I am also not an island, although I feel like one from time to time. What I am trying to say, very incoherently, is that I now realize, just like Will/Hugh, that I do need to learn other ways to live my life, not just depending on myself, simply because the Susan plan sucks. I need a new plan. I HAVE a new plan, because the old plan didn't work. And here is something which helped me understand a few things. I know taking risks and living every day like it was the last day on earth is not a long-term solution to my problems, I do, but I have never been "cool" about stuff and I am willing to give it a serious try. No more control-freakiness, no more freaking out about weighing more than 53 kilos, no more grumpy mean old Susan. If tomorrow my life ends, if it were to flash before my eyes like you often hear it does in your last moment, I don't want it to be THIS. And I am going to make damn sure I don't have to feel crappy about being me, because I will make "me" better and less, well, Susan. Here, read this. I am going to look for answers. I am going to make something of myself, before I hate myself too much to handle. Yup. You have witnessed a genuine epiphany. :)