I am cool. In fact, I am beyond cool. I am ICE-COLD.

Remember how I said I was going to give "being cool" a shot? How I wasn't going to be a control-freak and let things be Zen? :) Well... I HAVE. And I gotta tell you- coolness agrees with Susan. I am so at ease now, so relaxed, so... COOL. Now, I realize that what I just scribbled sounds a BIT like a Beavis and Butthead script excerpt... ;) and I don't care - see? This is how cool I am. There are things you cannot just FIND - they have to find you. Coolness apparently is one of such things. And I don't mean coolness as in, "man, sky-diving is cool", or as in, "dude, this is such a cool Porsche". I mean cool as in, Zen. As in, I take things as they come and I am COOL. I have gained this coolness over the time I spent alone in the woods, and over the time I spent agonizing about being a bitch and losing some of my favorite people because of being a bitch. And, over the time I seriously thought my number was about to be up. And, then, there came one tiny little thing of, hello!, getting OVER a certain un-finished business I had with a one certain Bill, which was hard to do, but I am there, finally, free and high spirited, no pun intended.;) And guess what? I LOVE BEING COOL!! I cannot believe I never thought of this. Now, my friends like me better, my family likes me better, even I like myself better. :) I smile a lot more than I used to, and I am far LESS, well, Susan, than I used to be. I pride myself in the change, I take further strength from it and take such pleasure and delight from every aspect of it, one could only find one thing to compare this condition with - nirvana. ;) I am not being smart or pretentious here. What I mean, I have become spiritually, psychologically and physically cleansed, I have had my catharsis and lived to tell.:) No more crappy love songs. No more crying late at night into my pillow. No more biting my tongue and certainly no more making others bite their tongues. I AM BACK. Back with the living, back with the people I like and appreciate and who I owe so much, if not everything to. Thanks, you guys, for being my friends no matter how hard I had been on you, and I know I can be a lot to take. Promise not to make you feel bad, or inferior, or uncomfortable. I mean, I promise I will TRY. As hard as I can. I CARE now, about others, but also I care MORE about my own self. I am learning to be more selfish. The good egoism is taking over. :) I have made new friends, and I have rediscovered some old friendships, redefined them and say, reloaded them into my own Matrix. :) That's right, Susan is now living in her Matrix, only this time, it is OPEN for visitation at any hour. No tie required, style casual, white shirt and jacket optional.;) I am not entirely happy yet - there are some fundamental things still missing, but I will get there - one baby step at a time. As I said, not entirely happy, but on my way. I feel like breaking into song: "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today!".:) So, lots of feel-good thoughts I send into this world, lots of love and positive energy. I know it sounds totally hippie, but WTH. My message to the rest of the world? I AM COOL!! :) Cheers!:*