"Personal is not the same as important. People just think it is." Terry Pratchett

Hey. Just got back from the doctor's a while ago. The new meds are working and slowly but gradually Susan is becoming her old self again. It is far from alright and she still needs to be extremely cautious and careful but there's no fear in it anymore. Susan does not have cancer, ladies and gents. She has NOT left the building. She is very much IN the building, as much IN it as she could possibly be. Although this experience has not been overall a pleasant one and Susan would not recommend it to anyone (well, maybe to some people she genuinely dislikes, but hey, that's Susan), she has learned an important lesson, be it the hard way. Namely, she's learned to enjoy life while it lasts because come June it could be over. It has made her stronger and more independent, since all throughout this time she was more or less alone. She now knows she needs to change, and she knows WHY. She knows she had been a control freak, she knows how and why she can be annoying and she is truly willing to change that, because, and this is just a long shot but go with it, she does NOT want to die alone. She knows the power of going through life with a smile instead of a grin and she is going to give it a serious try. She knows she needs to let go of some things which were eating her inside and were to her soul truly what cancer would have been to her body. She knows to put herself first a little more and remember that people are adults and are able to function without her. She knows she is an adult and is able to function on her own, but NOT alone. She now knows that despite everything she has been telling herself and others for the past 15 years, she DOES need people to function properly, because she is a Giver. She knows she needs to love and not to deny herself this right just because she feels she does not deserve it. She knows she DOES deserve it. She has learned that forgiving and forgetting are two completely different things and is now learning to forGET. And she is going to get her act together and finally make something of herself, to have something to show for herself when her number is up. And, she has learned that turning points may come in all shapes and sizes and you never know what is going to be one for you. I know I had mine, and I wish everybody had at least ONE in their lives. You live, you learn. Cheers.:)

I think I thought I saw you try

Hey. Have you ever had the feeling this isn't your life you are living? That it's not going along with what you'd hoped for when you saw yourself in this very moment back when you were 15? I just realized it some time ago and it's been in my head ever since. Do you remember what you'd thought being 25 is like when you were 15? I sure do. I thought by the time I'm 25 I would be married, for starters. I thought I would have a husband, and a great job - at that particular time I was in my freshman year in high school and was totally into journalism, so the JOB would here mean I'd work for some paper or maybe in the radio; I was into that stuff as well - and no kids, cause I never saw myself having kids. And now, 10 years later, as I am slowly starting to approach the magical age of 30, I thought, OK, let's see, how many of these things I've obtained, or at least have made attempts to obtain.. Well? Zero, nada, zip, squat, nill. I don't have a husband, duh, not even a steady relationship which would eventually lead to marriage. I don't have a great job, not only in journalism, but at all. I still have no kids, just like I'd thought, but now I really want one, so I guess that's not a "score!". Nothing. Not even one out of three - nothing. I don't feel fulfilled, even though I am doing something now that I really love, which is to say I deal with English - my all time passion. So what? I don't want to be a teacher, I never liked to teach, especially kids, yuck, and it looks as though teaching is the only thing I will be left with when it is all said and done. I promised myself I would enjoy life more, because it is so fragile and short and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow never knowing what Portugal is like... I haven't done any of that, either. I promised myself last New Year's Eve I would take more risks and stop being such a control freak and learn to let go and not hold grudges and be more forgiving and learn to forget instead of remembering every single thing anybody ever said and did to me.... Yeah. Sure. Because life is JUST that easy. And now I am ill, and I may not get to do all these things I'd promised myself I'd do, like going to Paris in the spring and visiting Jim Morrison's grave. And you know what? Life IS short, and you MAY go any minute, so I think challenging the laws of fate doesn't sound so extravagant any more. If I live that long, I don't want to look back in another 10 years, when I'm approaching 40 (GOD!!!!) and think like I think now - whoa, man, this ain't my life!! I want to make myself happy and proud and actually look back with a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. Have you seen the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant? It starts with this quote from John Bon Jovi (sic!) "No man is an island". And then Hugh rambles on about how he IS an island, Ibiza to be precise, and how these times are perfect in terms of being an island. Well, in the end of the movie, surrounded by friends and loved ones, Hugh changes his mind and realizes that the Jon Bon Jovi statement is in fact true. We are not islands. And I am also not an island, although I feel like one from time to time. What I am trying to say, very incoherently, is that I now realize, just like Will/Hugh, that I do need to learn other ways to live my life, not just depending on myself, simply because the Susan plan sucks. I need a new plan. I HAVE a new plan, because the old plan didn't work. And here is something which helped me understand a few things. I know taking risks and living every day like it was the last day on earth is not a long-term solution to my problems, I do, but I have never been "cool" about stuff and I am willing to give it a serious try. No more control-freakiness, no more freaking out about weighing more than 53 kilos, no more grumpy mean old Susan. If tomorrow my life ends, if it were to flash before my eyes like you often hear it does in your last moment, I don't want it to be THIS. And I am going to make damn sure I don't have to feel crappy about being me, because I will make "me" better and less, well, Susan. Here, read this. I am going to look for answers. I am going to make something of myself, before I hate myself too much to handle. Yup. You have witnessed a genuine epiphany. :)

"Our health is a voyage and every illness is an adventure story".--Margiad Evans

Hey. So I guess you know what this post will be about. It's not better. I feel awful, I am weak and there are days where I have difficulties just getting out of bed in the morning, not to mention doing my everyday chores. I hate being like this. You know, ever since I got back from my two-week holiday (I was in my cabin, yes, in the woods...) I have been feeling crappier and crappier by the day. At first I thought I'm just suffering from accommodation problems - my body always had SOME difficulties adjusting back to stinky city air and a totally different environment - but it's been almost a month and trust me - even jet lag lasts shorter than THIS. So, even though my doctor's appointment isn't until the 25th, I called in and asked if I could possibly come earlier and still keep the other date, just in case. There was no problem - apparently my doctor's not THAT popular, har har. So, I went. I described my condition, I had a regular check-up done (you know, blood, pressure, urine, yuck...) and as it turns out I really DO need that other appointment. My blood results are ba-ad. My doctor says, and I have to believe doctors, the medication I've been prescribed and have been taking for the last 2 months or so PROBABLY isn't the right one. The thing in my spine IS smaller, yaaay, but... (there's always a 'but', right?) there may be others, according to my results. My calcium is way out of limits, which usually means there's something "extra" in the bones. There are quite a lot of "mays", "probablys" and "usuallys" here, so nothing is definite, which is good, but the results themselves are, to quote my doctor, "worrying". And the funniest (and by "funniest" I mean "saddest") thing is that this thing in my spine, whatever it is, has not just "appeared" a couple of months ago, out of some unexplained twist of hormones. No, sir. It has been there my entire life, only no one paid any attention to it because it didn't show. So, basically, I have been a host to the thing for the last, oh, I don't know, 25 years, and just didn't know it was there, like a tiny hitch-hiker or something. As I was told, nothing is definite, it may be just a regular ol' calcium surfeit which could mean absolutely nothing and I DO have a history of anemia, which last year was the cause of a very weird pregnancy freak-out (my, my, was THAT fun...) so, you know, ALL could be well and cool... Yeah.

So, how do I feel, with that, you may ask. Well, I'll tell ya. Lousy. See, if you remember the Ramon Sampedro post which is currently in blogger heaven due to my clumsiness, you get he picture. I don't like being sick. I hate being dependent on things and people I cannot control, and these two are a permanent feature in times of illness - dependency on luck or fate, whatever you call it, and dependency on people - doctors, nurses, pharmacists, masseurs, and last but not least, care takers, aka loved ones. I am not the one to admit I am weak, be it physically or psychologically. I am not weak. I don't show weakness. It took me years to learn how to let my feelings show, but I never quite learned to cope with them.
Now, I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel disappointed with my own weakness and the inability of my body and mind to deal with it. But mostly, I feel scared. You know why? There is a quote by one of the wisest people who had ever walked the face of the earth, and whose words inspire me deeply, namely by Prince Gautama Siddharta, also known as Buddha. He said, "Every human being is the author of his own health and disease."And here is a good one for you. Am I being punished? If everyone IS the author of their own health and disease, have I brought this one upon myself? They say everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason for THIS is ... well, me? I don't know. Maybe it is. If someone gave me a 100% guarantee it will go away as soon as I change myself and do penance for my past sins - I'd do it in a heartbeat.

So, as my title quote says - I am on a voyage, and I am about to embark upon the adventure of a lifetime. I am Ulysses, and this shall be my Odyssey. (it never hurt anybody to be a teeny tiny bit pretentious, right?;) Fasten your seat belts, we're ready for take-off. What do you mean, "this is a ship, there ARE no seat belts"?? Nevermind. I'll just hold on tight. :)

My favorite baby of all time ;)

Baby Michałek, as many of you remember, is THE ultimate cute baby of all time. This is the most recent picture of him, taken in my summer refuge spot on July 8th, AD 2006. Isn't he adorable? More photos from my holidays follow. :) Cheers!:)

Yaay! I made it!

So, here they are, the lucky ones I managed to save from the abyss of oblivion. Thank You for Your help, AgataL, I do not know what I'd do without you. You are my good spirit. ;o) I know these aren't ALL of the posts, but at least there's something MORE here, and I am more than happy that they survived the clash with my stupidity and IT ignorance. I don't think I really deserved that A in IT, if you know what I mean. ;) Anyways, I will try and keep posting, to the joy of some, and the sheer terror and disappointment of others. I have to make up for the 20 posts I haven't been able to save. And one advice, for ME, hands off the "delete" button, Susan!! :) Cheers!

PS. I would like to appologize for the lack of comments under the saved posts - it was impossible to re-create them and I am so sorry, because most of them were precious to me. Again, it is all "thanks" to my stupidity. All these who wish to, can find the proper post and write whatever they think appropriate.

I am dumber that the average bear... :/

I am SO sorry. I wanted to erase the other blog I have on blogspot and accidentally erased this one, so now I am wondering whether I should at least TRY and re-create some of the posts, or just leave it here and keep posting. Well, since my LAST post was about NOT posting anymore... I will maybe at least try to bring back some of the cooler posts, like the Top 10 favorite movies, cause it had a lot of pretty pictures... I am SO careless, that's ME. I am sorry, I know this blog was supposed to stick around for future reference and I am so ashamed of my own stupidity. I had worked SO hard on this blog for the past 6 months... Well, that's technically impaired me for you, right here. I will do my best. I'll try to keep it going. Maybe even make it better? That's my favorite kind - to be in competition with myself. So, in your face, last year me! :)

I'm taking a break

I have decided to take a break from posting. I need to get a fresh view of things and in order to do that I have to stop writing for a while. I have seen that sometimes writing on a blog all my friends have access to is not as profitable as one might have expected. Therefore I have to re-think my strategies, since the last one (be honest no matter what) didn't work so well. I find myself TOO sensitive at times, too open and too honest, which should work in my advantage, but somehow doesn't. I have come to question the very idea of having a blog in the first place, and I guess this means I have to sort it out before I can write again. I know I am too much 'out there' sometimes and it may be perceived as self pity and self mutilation, but to me it is more therapeutic. I guess I have to find my catharsis somewhere else now. Thanks for reading so far, I will try to come back to writing as soon as I can, and please don't take it the wrong way if I don't. It is said that if you love something you should let it go, and that is precisely what I am doing. I'm letting go. Take care.

My favorite song of all time

The Goo Goo Dolls
"Iris"

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am...

This is my favorite song of all time. The first time I heard it was not, as a popular belief has it, seeing "City of Angels", but on the radio on one sad rainy autumn day. I fell in love with it that very instant and ever since then I always tell people: "If you wanna know me, listen to the song. It's all there." So, here it is. Again, it's not a testament of my own broken spirit. I don't need sympathy, more likely I am annoyed by it. I just felt the song allows to understand me a little better. If it does, mission accomplished. If it doesn't... Well, that means you haven't paid attention. ;) Thanks for all comments, even if some of them were a tiny bit off track. "I just want you to know who I am."

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears..."

This is a short story I found, surfing the web the other day. Since I am the only one left out of the entire bloggin' gang who actually still POSTS anything, I thought I'd make it interesting for ONCE, and let people (the few ones who actually still READ the darn thing, thanks, guys) enjoy something powerful and thought-provoking. I myself liked the story by Mr Carlson very much and found it inspiring, especially in terms of LD. Enjoy! :)


IN THE ARMS OF MORPHEUS
by Brian Carlson

I cannot live, I cannot die. I am as consistent only as far as my inconsistencies will allow. I am lonely, but I speak to everyone. Time has no meaning to me, nor would I wish it to. My world is a place of thought. Scientists try to explain me with their sensors and instruments, and with their long-winded theories.

Sometimes I find myself laughing at them, for it is so absurd. Although they all ask the questions, "What is he? Who is he?" none of them really want the answer.

Yes, yes, they have a different name for me, but I know when they are talking to me. I leave them to their experiments in the day and visit them every night. I feed the fire, perhaps believing that someday one of them will discover just who I am or what I am and I will no longer be alone.

Sometimes I envy them. It is one of those "Ironic Instances" that are simply not up to you. The very comfort that I provide their little minds, I myself cannot enjoy. But, that is the way of things. Everything is interlaced in a fabric spanning the Universes. My threads lace throughout this fabric, touching the minds of everyone within the fabric.

Sometimes during those periods when no one asks of me, I ponder my own existence. It is a relatively meaningless act, but it seems to give me a feeling of being content and happier. My thoughts would wander to thoughts of reality and what part in it I play. To those that I touch I am not a part of reality, but if that is so where is my reality. Or do I even have one? Little of this really matters after all, but it seems to calm my mind and enhance my art to a new found splendor.

Whether I become a reality or I remain on the edges of the wandering thoughts of children napping is not up to me. Let my art be true and the rest will fall into place at the will of the dreamer. I am called by many names is the fabric, but to all I am recognizable by my art. I am he who visits you while you sleep at night, and when you nap at school. I will weave you thoughts like a master weaver, into the fabric of the universes, till the end of time. But as I said before, what is time to me?

Copyright 1996 Brian Carlson

Yaay! Let's hear it for the shopping spree! ;)

Right. It is high time I wrote a new post since I promised so fiercely I would. Here goes. WARNING! The following material includes fashion and shopping content! :P

Today was a great day. I got all the signatures it was possible for me to get, had a little heart-to-heart chat with one of my top 5 favorite TTC teachers AND, to cheer me up after a quite sad goodbye I had to go through last night, Marta took me shopping! Yay, shopping! I forgot how much fun it was, to go shopping with a girl. Me and Marta are both the 'if your ass looks fat in this I'm just gonna tell you' type of shoppers, so the chemistry was PERFECT. I purchased a beautiful new dress, it's all white with red and greenish tiny teeny flowers on it, slightly above knee length, which I call 'flattering', mostly cause I daresay I've got nice legs below that level ;), with red shoulder-straps and lace at the bottom (I mean the bottom of the SKIRT, not the ACTUAL bottom;), all romantic and Jane Austenish and I look so cute in it you'd wanna eat me with a spoon. I hope you don't, though. ;)

Anyways, I am very happy with my shopping. All thanks to Marta my mood is so much better, which is not to say it took 4 hours' worth of shopping, a new dress and a McDonald's vanilla milkshake to make me NOT miss certain people, but it sure made it a hell lot easier for me. What I need now is a JOB, so that every time I feel blue, I can go shopping for new clothes an' stuff and just cheer meself up. ;) I was actually offered one at some men's suit shop in Auchan Swadzim, but I am reluctant. Besides. What I REALLY need right now is some good old-fashioned "west and welaxation at wast", as my good friend Elmer Fudd would've put it. ;) Some of you will say, and you will consider yourselves superficially correct, that I really don't have that much to rest AFTER, you know, considering, but there, my friends, you would be slightly mistaken. There is a BUNCH of stuff I need rest after this year. An entire LOAD, if you will. Actually, loadS, as in plural. :) Ok, ok, I get it. You still don't buy it, and it's fine. I need my west and welaxation, OK? And there's no amount of your frowning upon it that is going to change that so you may just as well stop. Seriously, stop frowning. Oh, you're not frowning, you're GRINNING. That's ok, grinning is good, that means on SOME level, you're laughing. :)

Alrighty, I guess this covers it for now. I know I haven't written anything about the practical exam, or ANY of the exams for that matter. The reason is simple. The 5 people who actually READ this already KNOW, and if someone ACCIDENTALLY swings by, they couldn't care less I was first in my year in PNJA for the third time in a row, I know, I wasn't supposed to write that, but it just feels SO DARN GOOD!! I was first! Yay! I rule! Weeell, at least in PNJAs I do, sorry Michael. And in methodology, sorry Michael. :P Cheers, you guys! Hasta luego! (that's in Spanish, and it's like 'I'll catch you later with a tequila shot and a burrito'. Wait, no, that's Mexican... I'm confused... Which one was Spanish again? Ahh. Nevermind..) Ciao! :)

Oh! Joyful day! (and a little bitchin'...;))

Today is a very happy day for me because my results turned out even better that I'd expected them to be, and, perhaps NOT more importantly but more excitingly, I got 10 massage appointments prescribed by my doctor!! Can you imagine? TEN! All I need now is a handsome masseur and I'm on cloud no. 9. :) I know you're all jealous right now, and I don't blame you but I am not sorry. Yuppi!;) (BTW, I'm really gonna need these, since I fell down the stairs TWICE yesterday. Hurt my knee, my elbow, and my right thumb. Somehow I am beginning to sense an inclination to self-mutilation...)

Of course, there's the exam tomorrow, but I'm not going to elaborate on it - we all have to go through it, and I am no exception. Also, I have a BO-ring presentation to do on Monday, about the American English dialects, in our HoE class... And I'll be working on THAT the entire Sunday long... See, this is not right. It's the last week of classes in the whole year, and instead of just getting the signature and a 'have a nice summer' I have to give a BO-ring presentation which I know for a FACT no one will pay ANY attention to, maybe except the teacher. Then there are the 'oh-so-funny' sketches we have to prepare for our last class on Tuesday... Then there's the didactics exam on Friday, one I need 3 whole days to prepare for, which, thanks to the "last week of classes" boohaki, I won't have. Great. And then it's either the DG exam, oh joy, or the oral exam which is OK, because I always do well on these. Then the results, and then... Right. I don't know yet. Depends on the results, I guess.

Can I tell you one thing, though? I've never been SO reluctant in terms of holidays starting. I'm gonna miss my buddies, my pals and my friends - all 5 of them. Somehow this year it's harder because it feels so... terminal, so definitive, so ultimate... Like the end of an era, you know? Naah, you don't. Well, anyhoo, I'm done complaining and whining and now I shall return to my beloved Virginia Evans and her oh-so-fascinating grammar book. What? I study too, from time to time, don't you give me THAT look! ;) Cheers, and good luck tomorrow! :*

"When I find myself in times of trouble..."

These below are two songs which I did NOT mention in my all-time-favorite countdown. I did (or did NOT do) so deliberately, with a good reason behind that very action. Namely, these are reserved for a different kind of occasion. These aren't "I turn to pudding when I hear them"-songs. These are "chicken soup for the soul"-songs. And since lately I DID "find myself in times of trouble", as Mr McCartney once sang, I decided to say a word or two about that latter category.

So, Hwhy oh Hwhy did I choose U2's songs? First of all, because I think Bono is a genius when it comes to heart-grabbing lyrics. Second of all, because he knows how to reach deeply into my very soul with his poetry (that's what I think his lyrics ARE, pure poetry). And thirdly, and lastly, because his poems don't just "make me feel better" - they inspire, provoke, motivate (I know it may sound pretentious, but they DO)... It is thanks to these two songs that I managed to survive the end of my first real relationship back in 2001. You will think I'm silly, and that's ok. I WAS, back then. And Bono made me realize it, shake it off and move on. I can only hope he does the trick everytime I need him to - like he has so far. :) Anyway, enjoy. Ladies and gents, Mr Paul Hewson, aka Bono. :)

U2 - Walk On

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring...
And love is not the easy thing...
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight...

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home...hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home...I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the heart is

I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you steal
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
All that you sense
All that you speak
All you dress up
All that you scheme...



Stuck In A Moment (You Can't Get Out Of)

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trynna' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling, look at you. Ooh.
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
'Cause tears are going nowhere baby


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it


I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They just left you with nothing
I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see


You are such a fool
To worry like you do.. Oh
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it


I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep
I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all


You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

Music: U2
Lyrics: Bono
Produced by: Daniel Lanois and Brian Eno

Poems, revisited

Continuing on the subject of movies and poetry (yup, they CAN be combined), this is number 4 on my list of favorite poems, appearing in number 9 on my favorite-film-list.:) Funnily enough, only ONE of my favorite poems is an actual elegy, even though I have a soft spot for sad poems altogether. An additional feature which made me fall for this poem is that in the movie it is recited by John Hannah, the terrific Scottish actor, in marvelous Scottish English. :) Enjoy!

Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden

[First published as "Song IX" from 'Twelve Songs' (1936); reprinted under the present title in 'Tell me the Truth about Love' (1976). Most famous appearance? In the movie 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' (which fact does not, surprisingly enough, detract from the quality of the poem one bit).]

My Top 10 Films

Wow! Since I've read "High Fidelity" by Nick Hornby, I too love making 'top something' lists, so this assignment is top notch.:) So, here goes, just like Karm, from 10 to 1, one being my all-time favorite. :)Just to say it now, these are subjective opinions, and of course people can think each and every of the following are pure crap. So what, I like them, if you don't, well... tough. ;)

10)Don Juan de Marco with Johnny Depp, by Jeremy Leven. I simply adore Johnny Depp in this feature, but what amazes me the most is the duett that Marlon Brando and Faye Dunaway make - I've never seen such a beautiful old people love.;)

9)Four Weddings and a Funeral with Andie McDowell and Hugh Grant, by Mike Newell. Ok, ok, I know, crap, barf, vomit, blah blah blah. I love it. It makes me cry and laugh and I simply can't get enough. I don't care what you think. Hate me all you want, I also love Pretty Woman!! :P

8) Love! Valour! Compassion! with John Glover, by Joe Mantello. Eight men. One summer. Figure it out. (I like the gay movie genre, and it would be here that Brokeback Mountain and Philadelphia probably also belong).

7) Dogma with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, by Kevin Smith. Ok, dig this: two renegade angels, kicked out of heaven because they pitied people too much (alright, and drank excessively), now on the run, chased by the descendant of Jesus Christ - Bethany, the 13th Apostle, Rufus, left out of the Bible because he was black, the Voice of God - seraphin Metatron, Azrael the Devil and his three evil Skaterboy sidekicks, the muse Serendipity and, of course, Jay and Silent Bob. Great fun, and just see WHO is God!! :)

6) Dead Poets' Society with Robin Williams, by Peter Weir. Terrific teachers' mannual, love every second of it, and admire Robin Williams' performance. Also, great young cast of later-to-be film stars, with Ethan Hawke bearly out of highschool. Touching and inspiring. BTW, I find most films with Mr Williams great. Yes, even Jingo, Mrs Doubtfire and whatnot. I simply love his incredible talent and ability to change like a chameleon.

5)Equilibrium with Christian Bale and Sean Bean, by Kurt Wimmer. Cult movie extraordinaire. I've NEVER cried like this before, never have I been SO emotional on a movie that talks about a world without emotions. Love it and hate it.

4)Love Actually, with a great cast of British actors, by Richard Curtis. I always watch this film when I need comfort and I'm feeling down, because it's got everything it takes to cheer me up, plus Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, yummm...:)

3) Dangerous Liaisons with John Malkovich, by Stephen Frears. I just love the relationship between Marquise Isabelle de Merteuil (Glenn Close) and Vicecomt Sébastien de Valmont (Malkovich). Also, note how beautiful Michelle Pfeiffer and Uma Thurman are there. Love it.

2) Interview with a Vampire with Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, by Neil Jordan. There should be a 'slash' here, because from the vampire genre I also love F.F. Coppola's Dracula. I think they are both terrific adaptations of books, although I like the former better, simply because the book it was based on is way better. What can I say - Brad and Tom suck, literally. :)

1) American Beauty with Kevin Spacey, by Sam Mendes. This movie is perfect, I've seen it a million times and every time I watch it, I fall in love with it all over again. And the soundtrack - a beauty indeed.

"I Do Not Love You"

Pablo Neruda - XVII (I do not love you...)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


(Copyright by Pablo Neruda, 1959)

Monika's post inspired this one. Once I read hers, I immediately thought of this poem, and so here it is. It's also number 3 on my top 5 poems list.:)

This sonnet is dedicated to one very specific person (you know who you are) so that they know just how much they mean to me. Also, to Marta F., Aga W. and Monika P. - my three little rays of sunshine in my clouded sky. Thanks, you guys. Thanks to you the clouds don't look like dragons anymore. Monika, thanks for your post, it filled my heart with hope.:)

(Some trivia: This poem also appeared in the movie "Patch Adams":))

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated." Ernest Hemingway

"What do I believe in?" by Susan

I believe people are essentially good, even if it's hard to sometimes. I refuse to believe that nothing good should be expected of life and people, that it is better to expect the worst and then MAYBE be nicely surprised; such an attitude is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I may not have had many reasons to believe in people, but I DO (a gullible and silly person that I am). There are some examples in my life that if you believe in people hard enough it actually makes a difference, makes it all worthwhile, so I do. Call me naive, call me stupid. I do believe that the harder it is to love somebody, the more you should try to love them. I also believe in calling it a day if it really does not work. I know when I should put the old horse down and admit defeat. And then shake the dust off my coat and move on. (It all has a bit of a cowboy theme goin' on, somehow...:)

I believe in myself, because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to believe in anything else. It took me a lot of time to finally start believing in myself, but the good thing about it is, once you start, the only way is up.

I still believe in karma. If you do a good thing, it comes back to you and something great is bound to happen. If you do something bad, then karma is out to get you. Sooner or later, you're gonna get what's coming to you. If you don't believe me, watch "My Name Is Earl", that'll really get you believing in the karma stuff.:)

I believe in taking chances, I believe in the miraculous power of change. I believe that nothing is ever SO good that it can't be improved. :)

I still believe in love, although it has failed me so many times. I believe in friendship, because without it my life would be empty and sad. I believe in morality and honesty, because who doesn't believe in these has to have a very tough life. I believe in having a conscience to tell you what is right and what is wrong. I believe in listening to your conscience, as well as your intuition. I believe in heart over reason, emotion over logical thinking.

And last, but definitely not least, I believe in some general purpose in which we were brought to this world. We all have one, each and every one of us. All we have to do is find out what it is and pursue it. Even if it takes forever to find it, once you have, it's really worth it. :)

My favorite poem of all time

Since we're posting poetry, I thought I'd try with, as the title goes, my favorite poem of all time. I read it for the first time (don't laugh, please) in "The Edge of Reason - Bridget Jones' Diary" by Helen Fielding and it was indeed love at first sight.:) I mean, the poem, not the book. ;) (Although I gotta admit I AM a Bridget fan. I laugh my butt off every single time I read either of the two parts, honestly, I do.)
Some people may associate the poem's author's name with "The Jungle Book", absolutely correctly, if I may add. I am not too fond of poetry per se, I guess I am more of a prose person; however, this poem IS my all time number one (not that the list would be very long, there are maybe 5 poems there, well, 7 at the most, if we're allowed to treat song lyrics as poetry:). I think I once called it "my to-do list", and I try to stick to it, especially now, in these troubled times. I hope you like it as much as I do. Enjoy!:)

[IF] --Rudyard Kipling--

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

(And I won't mind if you wish to share your thoughts on it with me, honest:)