St. Patrick's Day 2007 - a wee o'celebration;)

I don't get older, I just get better.;)

It is a minute to midnight and I am one minute away from turning 26.... AND... There. I am officially NOT 25 anymore, and I shall be 25 nevermore. Am I saddened? Sure. Being 25 was the greatest time of my life, looking at it from the perspective of the previous years. And, I think being 25 agreed with me in terms of looks - I don't think I looked as well as I do now when I was say 18.:) And so, in this spirit, turning 26 makes me sad about that time I will never get to live thru again. But I am also excited about the things to come. I learned so much when I was 25, so just think about the OCEAN of knowledge awaiting me behind door no.26!! An endless magnitude. Just an inch away from the tips of my fingers. If I try really hard, and want it enough, I bet I could even touch it.;) Being 26 is actually no different to being 25, so far at least.:) I don't FEEL any different. Let me see... Do I look any different? Nope, can't say I do. It is not that bad, this getting older thing. And, supposedly, as a very wise man said to me today, you are only as old as you feel, so I am 25 forever!! :) In this good spirit, I shall look behind door number 26 with a look of far-off bewilderment and gaze into my future and all of the days yet to come.:) Cheers, my babies.:)

I am cool. In fact, I am beyond cool. I am ICE-COLD.

Remember how I said I was going to give "being cool" a shot? How I wasn't going to be a control-freak and let things be Zen? :) Well... I HAVE. And I gotta tell you- coolness agrees with Susan. I am so at ease now, so relaxed, so... COOL. Now, I realize that what I just scribbled sounds a BIT like a Beavis and Butthead script excerpt... ;) and I don't care - see? This is how cool I am. There are things you cannot just FIND - they have to find you. Coolness apparently is one of such things. And I don't mean coolness as in, "man, sky-diving is cool", or as in, "dude, this is such a cool Porsche". I mean cool as in, Zen. As in, I take things as they come and I am COOL. I have gained this coolness over the time I spent alone in the woods, and over the time I spent agonizing about being a bitch and losing some of my favorite people because of being a bitch. And, over the time I seriously thought my number was about to be up. And, then, there came one tiny little thing of, hello!, getting OVER a certain un-finished business I had with a one certain Bill, which was hard to do, but I am there, finally, free and high spirited, no pun intended.;) And guess what? I LOVE BEING COOL!! I cannot believe I never thought of this. Now, my friends like me better, my family likes me better, even I like myself better. :) I smile a lot more than I used to, and I am far LESS, well, Susan, than I used to be. I pride myself in the change, I take further strength from it and take such pleasure and delight from every aspect of it, one could only find one thing to compare this condition with - nirvana. ;) I am not being smart or pretentious here. What I mean, I have become spiritually, psychologically and physically cleansed, I have had my catharsis and lived to tell.:) No more crappy love songs. No more crying late at night into my pillow. No more biting my tongue and certainly no more making others bite their tongues. I AM BACK. Back with the living, back with the people I like and appreciate and who I owe so much, if not everything to. Thanks, you guys, for being my friends no matter how hard I had been on you, and I know I can be a lot to take. Promise not to make you feel bad, or inferior, or uncomfortable. I mean, I promise I will TRY. As hard as I can. I CARE now, about others, but also I care MORE about my own self. I am learning to be more selfish. The good egoism is taking over. :) I have made new friends, and I have rediscovered some old friendships, redefined them and say, reloaded them into my own Matrix. :) That's right, Susan is now living in her Matrix, only this time, it is OPEN for visitation at any hour. No tie required, style casual, white shirt and jacket optional.;) I am not entirely happy yet - there are some fundamental things still missing, but I will get there - one baby step at a time. As I said, not entirely happy, but on my way. I feel like breaking into song: "I'm on my way, from misery to happiness today!".:) So, lots of feel-good thoughts I send into this world, lots of love and positive energy. I know it sounds totally hippie, but WTH. My message to the rest of the world? I AM COOL!! :) Cheers!:*

Johnny Cash "Hurt"

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away but I remember everything
what have I become? my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end

you could have it all my empire of dirt

I will let you down I will make you hurt

I wear my crown of thorns on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears
you are someone else I am still right here
what have I become? my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end

you could have it all my empire of dirt

I will let you down I will make you hurt

If I could start again a million miles away
I would keep myself I would find a way

Johnny Cash was a genius songwriter. I just heard this song today and I cried. This has not happened for a long time now, because, believe it or not, I had no reason to cry. I am happy now. This song does not reflect my state of mind, and it moved me to my deepest soul anyway. Conclusion? True beauty speaks to you, even if you don't feel the very emotion that helped it be born. This song is the most beautiful I have heard in years. My country music background is shamefully little and now I will try to get to know Mr Cash's works. I think my Dad has a vinyl of his somewhere.:) Cheers.

Juanes "La Camisa Negra"

Juanes "La Camisa Negra"

Tengo la camisa negra
hoy mi amor esta de luto
Hoy tengo en el alma una pena
y es por culpa de tu embrujo
Hoy sé que tú ya no me quieres
y eso es lo que más me hiere
que tengo la camisa negra
y una pena que me duele

Mal parece que solo me quedé
y fue pura todita tu mentira
que maldita mala suerte la mía
que aquel día te encontré

Por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor
yo quedé moribundo y lleno de dolor
respiré de ese humo amargo de tu adiós
y desde que tú te fuiste yo solo tengo…

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama
cama cama caman baby
te digo con disimulo
que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Tengo la camisa negra
ya tu amor no me interesa
lo que ayer me supo a gloria
hoy me sabe a pura
miércoles por la tarde y tú que no llegas
ni siquiera muestras señas
y yo con la camisa negra
y tus maletas en la puerta

Mal parece que solo me quedé
y fue pura todita tu mentira
que maldita mala suerte la mía
que aquel día te encontré

Por beber del veneno malevo de tu amor
yo quedé moribundo y lleno de dolor
respiré de ese humo amargo de tu adiós
y desde que tú te fuiste yo solo tengo…

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama
cama cama caman baby
te digo con disimulo
que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Tengo la camisa negra
porque negra tengo el alma
yo por ti perdí la calma
y casi pierdo hasta mi cama
cama cama caman baby
te digo con disimulo
que tengo la camisa negra
y debajo tengo el difunto

Copyright Juanes, album "Mi Sangre" 2004

"Personal is not the same as important. People just think it is." Terry Pratchett

Hey. Just got back from the doctor's a while ago. The new meds are working and slowly but gradually Susan is becoming her old self again. It is far from alright and she still needs to be extremely cautious and careful but there's no fear in it anymore. Susan does not have cancer, ladies and gents. She has NOT left the building. She is very much IN the building, as much IN it as she could possibly be. Although this experience has not been overall a pleasant one and Susan would not recommend it to anyone (well, maybe to some people she genuinely dislikes, but hey, that's Susan), she has learned an important lesson, be it the hard way. Namely, she's learned to enjoy life while it lasts because come June it could be over. It has made her stronger and more independent, since all throughout this time she was more or less alone. She now knows she needs to change, and she knows WHY. She knows she had been a control freak, she knows how and why she can be annoying and she is truly willing to change that, because, and this is just a long shot but go with it, she does NOT want to die alone. She knows the power of going through life with a smile instead of a grin and she is going to give it a serious try. She knows she needs to let go of some things which were eating her inside and were to her soul truly what cancer would have been to her body. She knows to put herself first a little more and remember that people are adults and are able to function without her. She knows she is an adult and is able to function on her own, but NOT alone. She now knows that despite everything she has been telling herself and others for the past 15 years, she DOES need people to function properly, because she is a Giver. She knows she needs to love and not to deny herself this right just because she feels she does not deserve it. She knows she DOES deserve it. She has learned that forgiving and forgetting are two completely different things and is now learning to forGET. And she is going to get her act together and finally make something of herself, to have something to show for herself when her number is up. And, she has learned that turning points may come in all shapes and sizes and you never know what is going to be one for you. I know I had mine, and I wish everybody had at least ONE in their lives. You live, you learn. Cheers.:)

I think I thought I saw you try

Hey. Have you ever had the feeling this isn't your life you are living? That it's not going along with what you'd hoped for when you saw yourself in this very moment back when you were 15? I just realized it some time ago and it's been in my head ever since. Do you remember what you'd thought being 25 is like when you were 15? I sure do. I thought by the time I'm 25 I would be married, for starters. I thought I would have a husband, and a great job - at that particular time I was in my freshman year in high school and was totally into journalism, so the JOB would here mean I'd work for some paper or maybe in the radio; I was into that stuff as well - and no kids, cause I never saw myself having kids. And now, 10 years later, as I am slowly starting to approach the magical age of 30, I thought, OK, let's see, how many of these things I've obtained, or at least have made attempts to obtain.. Well? Zero, nada, zip, squat, nill. I don't have a husband, duh, not even a steady relationship which would eventually lead to marriage. I don't have a great job, not only in journalism, but at all. I still have no kids, just like I'd thought, but now I really want one, so I guess that's not a "score!". Nothing. Not even one out of three - nothing. I don't feel fulfilled, even though I am doing something now that I really love, which is to say I deal with English - my all time passion. So what? I don't want to be a teacher, I never liked to teach, especially kids, yuck, and it looks as though teaching is the only thing I will be left with when it is all said and done. I promised myself I would enjoy life more, because it is so fragile and short and I could be hit by a bus tomorrow never knowing what Portugal is like... I haven't done any of that, either. I promised myself last New Year's Eve I would take more risks and stop being such a control freak and learn to let go and not hold grudges and be more forgiving and learn to forget instead of remembering every single thing anybody ever said and did to me.... Yeah. Sure. Because life is JUST that easy. And now I am ill, and I may not get to do all these things I'd promised myself I'd do, like going to Paris in the spring and visiting Jim Morrison's grave. And you know what? Life IS short, and you MAY go any minute, so I think challenging the laws of fate doesn't sound so extravagant any more. If I live that long, I don't want to look back in another 10 years, when I'm approaching 40 (GOD!!!!) and think like I think now - whoa, man, this ain't my life!! I want to make myself happy and proud and actually look back with a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. Have you seen the movie "About a Boy" with Hugh Grant? It starts with this quote from John Bon Jovi (sic!) "No man is an island". And then Hugh rambles on about how he IS an island, Ibiza to be precise, and how these times are perfect in terms of being an island. Well, in the end of the movie, surrounded by friends and loved ones, Hugh changes his mind and realizes that the Jon Bon Jovi statement is in fact true. We are not islands. And I am also not an island, although I feel like one from time to time. What I am trying to say, very incoherently, is that I now realize, just like Will/Hugh, that I do need to learn other ways to live my life, not just depending on myself, simply because the Susan plan sucks. I need a new plan. I HAVE a new plan, because the old plan didn't work. And here is something which helped me understand a few things. I know taking risks and living every day like it was the last day on earth is not a long-term solution to my problems, I do, but I have never been "cool" about stuff and I am willing to give it a serious try. No more control-freakiness, no more freaking out about weighing more than 53 kilos, no more grumpy mean old Susan. If tomorrow my life ends, if it were to flash before my eyes like you often hear it does in your last moment, I don't want it to be THIS. And I am going to make damn sure I don't have to feel crappy about being me, because I will make "me" better and less, well, Susan. Here, read this. I am going to look for answers. I am going to make something of myself, before I hate myself too much to handle. Yup. You have witnessed a genuine epiphany. :)